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it was 1991. i was in love with A. A was in a band
on the lesbian 'scene’. and she loved the band, the
scene, the whole hang out.
i didn't like the big hang out.
i had been horribly betrayed by big female groups
before. how could i say 'let's keep a distance'? it
was her livelihood and these were people she
loved. so against my better judgement i quashed
my feelings and went along with it all (again). after
all, they are all people, individuals, right? most of
whom i liked very much as individuals.
anyway, wouldn't you know it, but the time came
when there was a falling out. A was scapegoated
so hard she was driven out of the group. this hit
her hard, and no wonder she high tailed it home to
america.
i did this painting in response to the situation. it is a
self portrait as a fool. it was a good 3ft wide and 4ft
long, so it was quite a dominating image to live
with, quite apart from the pain that is locked inside
of it, so you will not be surprised that it did not sell.
one day i was taking it down to the bins to get rid
of it, with it’s dreadful mojo, just as the one woman
out of that whole group who had actually stayed
friends with me (at some cost to herself) came by.
B said, 'don't chuck it, i'll have it.' so i gave it to her.
i heard that some of the women from the original
situation saw this painting in her flat, and i believe
there was some recognition of it’s meaning. good.
however, like me, she had a small flat, and the
painting was, as i've said, difficult to live with. and
at some point she lent it to her sister. then
something weird happened, she told me her
sister's boyfriend had vandalised it. i was not
happy with this, i didn't want it, but i also didn't
want it vandalised. another friend, C, said she
would like it. so i asked for it back. at the time B
and C weren't talking to each other, and when B
found out i planned to give it to C she was furious.
time passed, and one time i was in the same
company as B and she agreed to meet me in a
cafe. she brought along the painting - there was
nothing wrong with it! and never had been, weird!
we talked about all the things that had happened,
and as we left i forgot to pick it up. as i turned back
to get it, she held my arm and looked into my eyes
and said 'leave it'. so i did.
B and C are friends again now, and the painting is
long gone. recently i was in that cafe and i said to
one of the people working there 'you've worked
here a long time, do you remember anyone leaving
a painting here?' i told him some of the story, and i
said i would love to find out what happened to it
next, and maybe take a photograph of it in it's new
home, if it had one, even or even especially, if it
was in the basement covered in mould. he got
quite excited by the story, though he said he didn't
know about the painting. he climbed up on to a
storage area, and looked for it, but it wasn't there.
although i think i am foolishly trusting sometimes,
that part of me which is so very soft is also my
sensitivity which i need for making anything
creative. so i hereby rehabilitate her.
this, then, is the story of the original silly cow
painting. good luck, silly cow painting, wherever
you are. may your mojo be healing, whether by
balm or fire.
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